Bad Hair Day...

It's one thing to know that your hair is going to fall out...and it's quite another to actually stand by and watch it happen. As predicted my hair started falling out last week and in some sort of Pollyanna-esc attempt at staying off the inevitable, I went on Friday and got a sassy little short cut...which I love! But now it's all a moot point because my bathroom is covered with my hair. It's in the sink, and swirling down the shower drain, and covering my bathroom floor. I wanted my cute new hair cut for a week or two, I didn't want another reminder to catapult me right back into the surreal reality that is cancer.

You can prepare yourself all you want, and laugh about shaving your head, and how easy it will be to throw a wig on every morning and put as positive a spin on it as you want. But when it starts to fall, in big hand fulls, literally brush fulls that leave empty patches the size of a silver dollars all over your head it's absolutely devastating. And frighting...and yet another harsh reminder of what my body is going through.

I'm not ready yet!!! I don't want to be bald...I don't want this fight. I tired of being positive and strong and always putting a "you go girl" spin on this. I'm tired, and I'm sick and feel as if I'm losing myself in the process...and I don't like it. I'm trying to learn whatever lesson there is here, with every ounce of my being. But it's hard, and scary...I don't want to know this woman that stares back at me in the mirror with dread in her eyes and her fight fading.

Cancer sucks.

How Quickly Things Change...

I started this blog to give myself something to do...a hobby of sorts.

I've found myself at 48 years old happier, healthier, and more content than I've ever been...and ironically with more time on my hands then I know what to do with! I'm busy with an 8-5'er that I love, an intimate and loving relationship with wonderful man, a spoiled (albeit obese) cat, friends I love and know I couldn't live/grow without, and a "castle" I adore. I'm my own best friend and my biggest fan...and I love to write.

But seldom do...I have a good life but not particularly worth writing about. The ins and outs of my daily life haven't seems significant enough to actually "publish" or even print...let alone share with anyone, outside of an occasional email or well scripted birthday card!!! You know what I mean...who wants to hear about the paper cut I got or how my cat puked on the carpet (OK, she doesn't do that, I'm just trying to make a point). But really...the most exiting thing to happen to me today was locking myself out of my car while scraping ice off the windshield while it warmed up. REALLY...how many people want to read about THAT??? Well as happenstance would have it...I've got something to write about now.

On December 28th, 2009 I was diagnosed with breast cancer.