Today I am standing back, surveying the landscape that has become my life. Breast Cancer has been a wake up call for me...it's making me take stock of my life and my choices...it's making me want to change almost every aspect of my life. I feel a desperate urgency to move forward and rearrange; to clean house and move on. And at the same time I know that right now probably isn't the opportune time for any more upset...and I'm angry with myself at my lack of courage.
I have cancer and it's changing me. I don't expect anyone to fully comprehend what I'm going through, no more than I expect them to fix it for me. For once in my life I'm not ashamed to admit that this is all about me...but I find myself lacking a voice. I was brought up a caretaker, a fixer, a soother, a advocate for the happiness of those around me. It was expected that my wants and needs were always secondary to those around me. And now, as I look back, I see that I've relied on being everything for everybody else as a way to avoid making hard life choices for myself. I know what I need to do, but I lack the wherewithal to do it.
So I've decided to start this changeling process regardless of whether or not I have the emotional strength right now to make any of the changes necessary. I know that laying the foundation for change is crucial for my own emotional and physical well being. I also know that am the only one who can make change happen and that will take setting priorities and knowing what I truly want. This is a scary thing for me, risking rejection and failure by standing up for myself. But you know what, I really don't have a lot to loose at this point...let's get real!!!
Lesson #1: Know Who Your Friends Are
It took a while but I came to a painful and swift epiphany regarding friendships. I will no longer allow myself the luxury of harboring stress or feelings of malaise because of issues I have with someone in my life. I'm fighting for my life here...that may seem dramatic to some of you, but it's a daily reality for me. I've got to find out where the dead weight is in my life and cut my losses where I can. It's imperative that my outlook be positive and tenacious and I need and deserve friends that will support me in that.
I've been amazed at the changes in my relationships since my diagnosis. I have passing acquaintances that have suddenly become some of my most staunch supporters...rascally gals that have a back bone I lack at this point! I have others that I thought would be my biggest sources of moral support and for whatever reasons have dropped to the wayside. I have some that talk the talk, but never step up to the plate. And I have complete strangers offering me support from half way across the county...women who are living similar journeys. I have new friends too...friends that have gone out of their way to make my life easier by allowing me my faults and insecurities. I have renewed friendships too...protective and nurturing friends that always come back around and seem to be the bedrock of my foundation. I've been able to rebuild a few friendships along the way too...my younger sister and I are closer than we've been in years. She has lovingly placed herself back into my life, is my biggest cheerleader and considers me her hero!
Friends teach us things about ourselves and allow us to be better people in the process. Friends are a gift we give ourselves. In order to have friends you must be willing to be vulnerable, open and honest...not only with them, but with yourself as well. It's a daily give and take that encourages positive change and the ability to be nurtured when your down or wrong. It's the unconditional acceptance of all your frailties, your deepest fears, and your best days. I know who my friends are...they are the ones that are sticking by me and see a bright, loving, and adventurous future with me.
- Think where man's glory most begins and ends,
- And say my glory was I had such friends.
