It's one thing to know that your hair is going to fall out...and it's quite another to actually stand by and watch it happen. As predicted my hair started falling out last week and in some sort of Pollyanna-esc attempt at staying off the inevitable, I went on Friday and got a sassy little short cut...which I love! But now it's all a moot point because my bathroom is covered with my hair. It's in the sink, and swirling down the shower drain, and covering my bathroom floor. I wanted my cute new hair cut for a week or two, I didn't want another reminder to catapult me right back into the surreal reality that is cancer.
You can prepare yourself all you want, and laugh about shaving your head, and how easy it will be to throw a wig on every morning and put as positive a spin on it as you want. But when it starts to fall, in big hand fulls, literally brush fulls that leave empty patches the size of a silver dollars all over your head it's absolutely devastating. And frighting...and yet another harsh reminder of what my body is going through.
I'm not ready yet!!! I don't want to be bald...I don't want this fight. I tired of being positive and strong and always putting a "you go girl" spin on this. I'm tired, and I'm sick and feel as if I'm losing myself in the process...and I don't like it. I'm trying to learn whatever lesson there is here, with every ounce of my being. But it's hard, and scary...I don't want to know this woman that stares back at me in the mirror with dread in her eyes and her fight fading.
Cancer sucks.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Standard Protocol...
And the bumpy ride continues...
As it turns out, after speaking with my Oncologist, Standard Protocol for the type/size of tumor I have is eight rounds of chemotherapy, one every other week for four months. The treatments started exactly one month after surgery to remove the tumor and one lymph node and will continue until the last week in May. Once the chemo is done I will start a five week process of localized radiation, and when that is done I will be put on hormone therapy for five years. This regime will lower the chance of a local relapse rate from 20% to about 2-4%, and lesson the chances for a distant relapse to about 6-7%.
Of course there were other options...but when presented with the statistics and the alternatives, for me it was a no brainer. Here were my options:
Option #1. Do nothing and stand a 20% chance the cancer would return. I'm not a big gambler but a one in five chance of having to through this again are just not good enough odds for me. I have notoriously bad luck...hence the fact that I don't gamble!
Option #2.
Have a complete mastectomy and never worry again...wrong for me on SO many levels. First of all I'm am an enormous sissy when it comes to open wounds and scars. It was all I could do to deal with the incisions and stitches from the lumpectomy and removal of the lymph node without fainting. The thought of having to deal with numerous reconstructive procedures was more than I could fathom...not to mention the fact that I really do love my breasts just the way they are! Call me crazy but the girl stays!
Option #3.
Just have Hormone Therapy for five years and lower my chances to 12% both locally and distantly. Still, not good enough of a bet for me.
Option #4.
Do what I'm doing now...hit it fast, hard and with scheduled precision in order to give myself the best chance at a positive long term outcome. All I know is that I NEVER want to have to go through this again! And if this "standard protocol" is what it takes to give me the best chance to do that, then so be it. I will endure whatever physical, emotional and financial hardships are required of me in order to seek a long term cure. I will continue to try my hardest everyday to be the strong, grateful, loving, happy, honest, courageous woman I've always been.
But it's a struggle...because I feel lost and lonely and afraid a lot of the time. I don't have any control over what's happening to my body and it makes controlling my emotions difficult. My life is changing in ways I never could have anticipated...some good and some bad. Cancer has made me reevaluate my priorities and my relationships. It's true what they say about finding out who your friends are when adversity strikes...and I've been truly blessed and constantly amazed at the friendships I've forged over the past month since my diagnoses. For the first time in my life I'm allowing myself to ask for and accept help...to be vulnerable and honest about my situation, without expectations. I've come to admit that this is a journey I'm simply unwilling to allow myself to go through alone...
The journey continues!
As it turns out, after speaking with my Oncologist, Standard Protocol for the type/size of tumor I have is eight rounds of chemotherapy, one every other week for four months. The treatments started exactly one month after surgery to remove the tumor and one lymph node and will continue until the last week in May. Once the chemo is done I will start a five week process of localized radiation, and when that is done I will be put on hormone therapy for five years. This regime will lower the chance of a local relapse rate from 20% to about 2-4%, and lesson the chances for a distant relapse to about 6-7%.
Of course there were other options...but when presented with the statistics and the alternatives, for me it was a no brainer. Here were my options:
Option #1. Do nothing and stand a 20% chance the cancer would return. I'm not a big gambler but a one in five chance of having to through this again are just not good enough odds for me. I have notoriously bad luck...hence the fact that I don't gamble!
Option #2.
Have a complete mastectomy and never worry again...wrong for me on SO many levels. First of all I'm am an enormous sissy when it comes to open wounds and scars. It was all I could do to deal with the incisions and stitches from the lumpectomy and removal of the lymph node without fainting. The thought of having to deal with numerous reconstructive procedures was more than I could fathom...not to mention the fact that I really do love my breasts just the way they are! Call me crazy but the girl stays!
Option #3.
Just have Hormone Therapy for five years and lower my chances to 12% both locally and distantly. Still, not good enough of a bet for me.
Option #4.
Do what I'm doing now...hit it fast, hard and with scheduled precision in order to give myself the best chance at a positive long term outcome. All I know is that I NEVER want to have to go through this again! And if this "standard protocol" is what it takes to give me the best chance to do that, then so be it. I will endure whatever physical, emotional and financial hardships are required of me in order to seek a long term cure. I will continue to try my hardest everyday to be the strong, grateful, loving, happy, honest, courageous woman I've always been.
But it's a struggle...because I feel lost and lonely and afraid a lot of the time. I don't have any control over what's happening to my body and it makes controlling my emotions difficult. My life is changing in ways I never could have anticipated...some good and some bad. Cancer has made me reevaluate my priorities and my relationships. It's true what they say about finding out who your friends are when adversity strikes...and I've been truly blessed and constantly amazed at the friendships I've forged over the past month since my diagnoses. For the first time in my life I'm allowing myself to ask for and accept help...to be vulnerable and honest about my situation, without expectations. I've come to admit that this is a journey I'm simply unwilling to allow myself to go through alone...
The journey continues!
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