"Betty"...Before and After; Kitchen

She's a work in progress!

Kitchen before and after
(red before, sage green after):



 



 

 

 

 

 

 

It's amazing what a little paint and elbow grease will do!

 

 



On Turning 52...(SOB!!!)

I find myself laughing as I write this, simply by virtue of the fact that I sound like my mother and my grandmother..."I don't feel a day over 25".  I used to think they were crazy!  How can you be saying that when you are obviously so OLD???  You wear polyester, have grey hair and say things like "I don't feel a day over 25". 

In retrospect, they weren't crazy...they were old.  Whaaaaaaaaaa....sad but true. 
And now I can relate.    

Let's consider the facts:

1.  I'm 52
2.  90% of the people I work with are young enough to be my children
3.  I'm so set in my ways, the only one that can stand living with is my cat
4.  I never sleep past 8am
5.  I rarely stay up past 10 on a "school night"
6.  I say "school night"
7.  I drink gin and tonics with a twist of lime...instead of beer
8.  I go shopping and wonder if what I've picked out is appropriate for my age
9.  I approaching my 35 year high school reunion
10.  The men 10 years older than me are teetering on the verge of retirement
11.  I'm older than my one of my best friends parents
12.  I wear bi-focal contacts
13.  My eyebrows are turning grey faster than my hair
14.  I make lists about all the things that are aging me

See what I'm saying? 

She's a Betty!!!

I am a California "girl".  Born and raised.  I moved to the Mid-West 11 years ago for the "wide open spaces" (yes, Dixie Chicks) and the friendly people.  But that doesn't mean that I'm not above using passe California surfer terms when they fit.   A "Betty" is an archaic term used on the beach when a surfer saw a woman they thought was attractive.  I've always wanted to name a dog or horse of mine Betty.  But the timing never seem right. 
Now I know why...

Meet my Betty!!!

 

 

She was built in 1941.  She's 72!!!  And I am her official owner!  And I can not remember a day when I was happier to be committed to a 30 year relationship!  I'm a crazy in love new homeowner. 

 

I am smitten with Betty!

 



     

She's My Girl!!!

My little Missy! 

 

 

 

I scooped her up out of a litter of seven the day I moved off the farm in Red Oak Iowa, six long years ago.  I was leaving a bad situation, and she was one of the good reasons I had to help me start over, again.  At the time, I needed the focus of another being to make my move more valuable...because God knows, at that juncture in my life, I felt no value in myself.  She was my saving grace.  In the days that followed, when I had no desire to move forward for myself, she still needed me.

 

I named her Ella Fitzgerald, because the first time I ran a bath in my little run down duplex in downtown Red Oak, she hopped up on the edge of the tub and "sang" to me.  She loved the water, and the ritual of my bath time.  The fact that she had my undivided attention for a half an hour as I soaked in the tub, seemed to make her day...and was enough for her.  And at the same time it made me feel valuable and needed, for the first time in a long time.  We bonded during those baths, and she learned too, how to "talk" to me.  She found that being close to me was a good thing, and she got her unending hand fulls of fresh hot water.

 

Ellie Smelly has been the only constant in my life for the last six years.  She's been with me through the loss of a relationships, the loss of jobs and our move to Des Moines.  She sat with me and loved me through my diagnosis and treatment for breast cancer.  She didn't care if I was bitchy and had no hair.  She loved me all the more because eventually my schedule for sleeping all day coincided with her schedule of doing the same.  We've shared the same bed...she's had her half and I've had mine.  She's never judged me my insecurities, she tested my patience on a daily basis, and gave me a reason to get out of bed on days when I saw no point.

 

She's never held against me my moods, bad decisions, or lack of money. All she has ever wanted from me, was a few hours outside to chase birds and bunnies, a good meal at the end of any day, and a safe place to fall at the end of the night.  She has loved me unconditionally, been a true companion, and someone I could count on...each and everyday.  She's taught me to be a better person and has never held my weaknesses against me. 

 

True love walks on four furry little white feet!

 

Just sayin!!!

 

 

 

Eight Months Out

Whew...that's all I've got to say!

What a wild ride this last year and a half have been.  So many changes and so many challenges.  Life has a funny way of working it's self out and setting you down right where you need to be.  And for a moment, all the world seems right.  This is one of those moments for me.  I'm sitting back today and looking back, taking stock if you will!  I'm taking my own inventory and contemplating what is next in this wonderful journey of mine.  It's raining outside and I'm home sick with a cold...seems like the perfect opportunity to start my blog back up!

I'm about eight months out from my last treatment...which was seven and a half weeks of daily radiation to the site where my tumor was removed.  I came out of all of my treatments exhausted beyond belief, skinny and hairless.  (lovely image I know!)  But, I came out cancer free and that was the best motivation in the world for me, to get on with my life with a renewed sense of self and a whole new mindset.  I survived this journey and have come out the other side a stronger, positive, more mindful woman. I love the transformation and the woman I have become!  I know now that if I am ever diagnosed again, I will move through it with a stronger sense of grace and a more loving attitude to those around me that are traveling with me.

In all reality I don't know how I would have handled the last year and a half if I hadn't had people around me that cared and encouraged me.  Even the people who challenged me, when all I wanted was to be left alone or lash out or feel sorry for myself  brought me back down to earth and reminded me I wasnt' the only one going through this.  I wanted to curl up in a ball and have someone take care of me, and in the end, what I really needed was to get myself off my comfy little pity pot and get a move on!  In every instant there is a lesson to be learned, some harder and more painful than others, but lessons all the same.  It's made me very aware about the way I treat other people and how I allow them to treat me.  I have a voice now, and I'm learning how to use it in a positive more loving way. 

Today is a new day and a whole new life has started for me.  And it's a good life!  It's not always perfect and I don't always please everyone, and that's OK for me today.  I try my very hardest to move through each day with grace, dignity, humor and a more loving attitude.  I want the best for myself and I want the best for those around me.  Today, if I can make life a little easier or brighter for someone else, that's a good start for me! 

Start this new day with me... 
(I promise to come up with something more interesting than breast cancer to blog about!!!)

Top Five Things TO SAY To Someone With Cancer...

OK...I have to say right off the bat that this post is going to be harder for me to write than the "What NOT to Say" post.   That post was easy because being snarky and resentful is easier for me then being vulnerable and having to admit I actually do need other people!  Gasp!!!  I admit it!  I truly don't know where I would be today without all of the wonderful people that stepped up, out of nowhere, (Kristin you know who you are) to lend me moral support and guidance through this journey...

(Note to Self:  Waterproof Mascara next time you blog)

OK...let's get this started! 

Five Top Things TO SAY To Someone With Cancer...

1)  "You will make it through this." 

When you are in the middle of chemo, you've lost all your hair, you can't taste your food, your constipated, your pukie all the time, you can't keep up at work, you have medical bills piling up, your boyfriend bails and you just don't think you can take anymore... "You will make it through this" is something you really need to hear.  And you need to hear it alot!!!  It may sound odd, but there are times when you just don't think you will make it through.  There are times when you wonder if you really want to. 

2) "This is temporary." or "This too shall pass."

My friend Kristin drilled this into me on a daily basis.  And I have to admit, there were times when it was the LAST thing I wanted to hear...but in all reality probably the best thing anyone could have said to me.  It's impossible sometimes when you are in the bowels of a bad day to pull yourself out, without a constant reminder! 

3)  "Is there anything I can do for you?"

Even if there isn't anything you can do, just knowing that you care enough to offer, is an enormous relief for someone that is sick.  I can't explain the loneliness that comes with a cancer diagnosis.  And maybe it's because I'm a single woman and I don't have someone to curl up in bed with at night that is going to tell me it will be alright.  My biggest source of support has been the people that simply offered to help.  Oh, and following through is enormous!!!

4)  "How are you doing?"

Ask it.  Mean it.  And take the time to listen!

Everybody needs a forum to tell their story.  And believe it or not, most EVERYBODY knows somebody that has had cancer.  And each one of them has a story!  It's the give and take of  these like stories that builds a community.  Each story shared, not only gives hope to the the person listening, it gives hope to the person doing the telling. 

5)  "Are you in treatment?"

I had a gal approach me on the street one day downtown Des Moines where I work (I had one of my scarves on) and ask me if I was in treatment.  And it was such a relief to have someone just come right out and ask me, instead of staring or avoiding me!  She had been through Breast Cancer as well, and over a few days of conversation, shared her story with me.  She was a nine year cancer survivor!  And it gave me hope!  If you are reading this...you know someone who has has survived cancer too.  You have a story to share...a positive story with a good outcome.  You have hope to share...don't let your story go untold!!! 

So there you have it!  The Top Five Things TO SAY To Someone With Cancer!  It's an easy list.  Read it. Learn it.  Remember it.  You could change someones life by just asking a question or knowing that it is OK to say something to a stranger!  We are all in this together after all...





 

Top Five Things Not To Say To Someone With Cancer...

As I've gone through this journey with Breast Cancer I've been astounded by what some people have said to me. I'm laughing as I write this and have been talking about this post with people for a couple of months....I just wish I had kept a list from the beginning so that I could have the top twenty-five, instead of the measly five I can actually remember today!!! (Yes it's true what they say about "chemo brain"...my cognitive functions aren't what they used to be) So while I'm thinking about it, here they are...

1. "We all have our own battles."

To someone freshly diagnosed with cancer, this comment is wrong on so many levels. When someone tells you you have cancer, life as you know it ceases. Cancer is all consuming... Even if you know your outcome will be "statistically good" and that you will be "cured", you know in some profound way that your life will never be the same. While we may all have our own battles, for someone living with a cancer diagnosis, there is absolutely no comparison to anything you may be going through.  As self-centered as that sounds, it's just the plain truth...sometimes when you have cancer it has to be all about you.   
 
2. "It's not as if your the first woman to go through this after all."

This one came from the surgeon that removed my tumor...as I was sitting in the pre-op room with a five inch metal harpoon stuck in my breast!  The harpoon was the "marker" that was inserted a half an hour before at the radiologist's office.  Which BTW was located ACROSS THE STREET from the surgery facility. Mind you, it's the 4th of January in Iowa...there is snow on the ground, it's nine o'clock in the morning and it's below freezing.  I'm holding my hospital gown off this "marker" when the surgeon tells me that I'd be more comfortable if I'd just let the gown go, "It's not as if your the first woman to go through this after all." My response...  "A lot of women may have gone through this before, but this is the first time I've ever gone through this."  I have truly never felt more like a number on a list in my entire life!!! Apparently what they say about surgeons is true... (I'm bitter, I admit it!)

3. "I've decided that I can't watch another person die from cancer."

Really? The last time I checked I wasn't dying from cancer! This is another odd thing about a cancer diagnosis...some people just can't deal with it. But that's O.K. too, because we all have our limitations.  But either you can deal it or you can't...don't do that whole wishy washy, passive/aggressive, come and go deal with me. I no longer have time for it. That's one thing about having cancer, you suddenly realize you just don't have time to waste anymore. Either your in, or your out. And please, don't leave the decision about your involvement in my diagnosis up to me...I have enough to deal with.  All I've got to say about this one...is that when push comes to shove, you find out who your friends are. And ultimately, that's a good thing!

4. "My step-mother has had Breast Cancer four times."

And you thought I needed to know this...why?  It's all I can do to make it through one diagnosis let alone four.  And it's not as if I don't know I'm at a higher risk than the rest of the population having been diagnosed once...but somehow you feel the need to tell me you know someone who has gone through this four times? I can honestly say that I don't know that I could do this four times.  But then again, ultimately, that's what it comes down to...how hard are you willing to fight?  How much are you willing to endure to ensure you will live to see another day? This is why a cancer diagnosis changes you...you learn that life is a choice.

5. "You could just have a mastectomy and be done with it."


Really?  I'm a single, attractive, 49 year old woman that loves a deep "V".  Call me crazy...but I don't want to loose one of my breasts!!!  Isn't that like cutting off your nose to spite your face?  Or throwing the fat guy over-board to right a sinking ship when the Coast Guard is on it's way?  This lovely little tid bit came (yet again) from my surgeon after telling me that the removal of the tumor and a lymph node, and five weeks of radiation was all I needed to be cancer free.  I'm sorry but that option wasn't something I was even willing to consider.  Period.  To have someone surgically remove one of my breast was someplace I wasn't willing to go.  We all have our priorities!

O.K.  So I'm obviously not going to get to the "Five Things To Say To Someone With Cancer" tonight...But what good would I be if I didn't leave you with a cliff hanger...  You know you love the cliff hangers!!!

Enduring A Wild Ride...

It's hard to believe that it's been three months since my last post!  And at the urging of one of my "fans" (Jessica you know who you are!)  I thought I'd finish a couple of the posts I have going in order to dull the roar of the anticipatory crowd! 

I really have missed the writing and the thoughtfulness that comes with it...but most of all I've missed the opportunity to document this wild ride.  And in an odd way, this public journal is a gift I give myself...getting to know me with all of you walking along side me!  It gives me the opportunity to look back and see how far I've come since my diagnosis, and how much cancer has changed me.  And ultimately, it gives me the forum to realize how blessed I am!  Because with each word I write, when all is said and done...today... I feel like the luckiest woman in the world!!!  I have what some don't, I know I'm will be cured!!!  And in the process, I have the rare opportunity to learn and grow...

I never thought I'd say this, (and mind you I'm having a good day)...but cancer has turned out to be an unbelievable blessing for me!  I am not unaware how strange that may sound, and don't think for a moment that I haven't experienced some very radical ups and downs!  I've had to endure some unbelievably painful realizations...about myself, and about the people I've chosen to share my life with.  I've had to deal with my own willingness to endure painful procedures, counting on the fact that "standard protocol" would ultimately heal me.  I've had to deal with the financial aspect of a major medical event as well!  Even with the best insurance any employer can offer, the net result is astounding. 

But you know what?  At the end of the day, I know that I will walk away from this a stronger, more self reliant, and emotionally independent woman. 

And you just can't get that in a bottle!!! 

Most Surreal Life Lessons #1

Know Who Your Friends Are

Today I am standing back, surveying the landscape that has become my life.  Breast Cancer has been a wake up call for me...it's making me take stock of my life and my choices...it's making me want to change almost every aspect of my life.  I feel a desperate urgency to move forward and rearrange; to clean house and move on.  And at the same time I know that right now probably isn't the opportune time for any more upset...and I'm angry with myself at my lack of courage.

I have cancer and it's changing me.  I don't expect anyone to fully comprehend what I'm going through, no more than I expect them to fix it for me.  For once in my life I'm not ashamed to admit that this is all about me...but I find myself lacking a voice.  I was brought up a caretaker, a fixer, a soother, a advocate for the happiness of those around me.  It was expected that my wants and needs were always secondary to those around me.  And now, as I look back, I see that I've relied on being everything for everybody else as a way to avoid making hard life choices for myself.  I know what I need to do, but I lack the wherewithal to do it.

So I've decided to start this changeling process regardless of whether or not I have the emotional strength right now to make any of the changes necessary.  I know that laying the foundation for change is crucial for my own emotional and physical well being.  I also know that am the only one who can make change happen and that will take setting priorities and knowing what I truly want.  This is a scary thing for me, risking rejection and failure by standing up for myself.  But you know what, I really don't have a lot to loose at this point...let's get real!!!

Lesson #1:  Know Who Your Friends Are

It took a while but I came to a painful and swift epiphany regarding friendships.  I will no longer allow myself the luxury of harboring stress or feelings of malaise because of issues I have with someone in my life.  I'm fighting for my life here...that may seem dramatic to some of you, but it's a daily reality for me.  I've got to find out where the dead weight is in my life and cut my losses where I can.  It's imperative  that my outlook be positive and tenacious and I need and deserve friends that will support me in that.

I've been amazed at the changes in my relationships since my diagnosis.  I have passing acquaintances that have suddenly become some of my most staunch supporters...rascally gals that have a back bone I lack at this point!  I have others that I thought would be my biggest sources of moral support and for whatever reasons have dropped to the wayside.  I have some that talk the talk, but never step up to the plate.  And I have complete strangers offering me support from half way across the county...women who are living similar journeys.  I have new friends too...friends that have gone out of their way to make my life easier by allowing me my faults and insecurities.  I have renewed friendships too...protective and nurturing friends that always come back around and seem to be the bedrock of my foundation.  I've been able to rebuild a few friendships along the way too...my younger sister and I are closer than we've been in years.  She has lovingly placed herself back into my life, is my biggest cheerleader and considers me her hero! 

Friends teach us things about ourselves and allow us to be better people in the process.  Friends are a gift we give ourselves.  In order to have friends you must be willing to be vulnerable, open and honest...not only with them, but with yourself as well.  It's a daily give and take that encourages positive change and the ability to be nurtured when your down or wrong.  It's the unconditional acceptance of all your frailties, your deepest fears, and your best days.  I know who my friends are...they are the ones that are sticking by me and see a bright, loving, and adventurous future with me.

Think where man's glory most begins and ends,

And say my glory was I had such friends.

WILLIAM BUTLER YEATS

Bad Hair Day...

It's one thing to know that your hair is going to fall out...and it's quite another to actually stand by and watch it happen. As predicted my hair started falling out last week and in some sort of Pollyanna-esc attempt at staying off the inevitable, I went on Friday and got a sassy little short cut...which I love! But now it's all a moot point because my bathroom is covered with my hair. It's in the sink, and swirling down the shower drain, and covering my bathroom floor. I wanted my cute new hair cut for a week or two, I didn't want another reminder to catapult me right back into the surreal reality that is cancer.

You can prepare yourself all you want, and laugh about shaving your head, and how easy it will be to throw a wig on every morning and put as positive a spin on it as you want. But when it starts to fall, in big hand fulls, literally brush fulls that leave empty patches the size of a silver dollars all over your head it's absolutely devastating. And frighting...and yet another harsh reminder of what my body is going through.

I'm not ready yet!!! I don't want to be bald...I don't want this fight. I tired of being positive and strong and always putting a "you go girl" spin on this. I'm tired, and I'm sick and feel as if I'm losing myself in the process...and I don't like it. I'm trying to learn whatever lesson there is here, with every ounce of my being. But it's hard, and scary...I don't want to know this woman that stares back at me in the mirror with dread in her eyes and her fight fading.

Cancer sucks.

Standard Protocol...

And the bumpy ride continues...

As it turns out, after speaking with my Oncologist, Standard Protocol for the type/size of tumor I have is eight rounds of chemotherapy, one every other week for four months. The treatments started exactly one month after surgery to remove the tumor and one lymph node and will continue until the last week in May. Once the chemo is done I will start a five week process of localized radiation, and when that is done I will be put on hormone therapy for five years. This regime will lower the chance of a local relapse rate from 20% to about 2-4%, and lesson the chances for a distant relapse to about 6-7%.

Of course there were other options...but when presented with the statistics and the alternatives, for me it was a no brainer. Here were my options:

Option #1. Do nothing and stand a 20% chance the cancer would return. I'm not a big gambler but a one in five chance of having to through this again are just not good enough odds for me. I have notoriously bad luck...hence the fact that I don't gamble!

Option #2.
Have a complete mastectomy and never worry again...wrong for me on SO many levels. First of all I'm am an enormous sissy when it comes to open wounds and scars. It was all I could do to deal with the incisions and stitches from the lumpectomy and removal of the lymph node without fainting. The thought of having to deal with numerous reconstructive procedures was more than I could fathom...not to mention the fact that I really do love my breasts just the way they are! Call me crazy but the girl stays!

Option #3.
Just have Hormone Therapy for five years and lower my chances to 12% both locally and distantly. Still, not good enough of a bet for me.

Option #4.
Do what I'm doing now...hit it fast, hard and with scheduled precision in order to give myself the best chance at a positive long term outcome. All I know is that I NEVER want to have to go through this again! And if this "standard protocol" is what it takes to give me the best chance to do that, then so be it. I will endure whatever physical, emotional and financial hardships are required of me in order to seek a long term cure. I will continue to try my hardest everyday to be the strong, grateful, loving, happy, honest, courageous woman I've always been.

But it's a struggle...because I feel lost and lonely and afraid a lot of the time. I don't have any control over what's happening to my body and it makes controlling my emotions difficult. My life is changing in ways I never could have anticipated...some good and some bad. Cancer has made me reevaluate my priorities and my relationships. It's true what they say about finding out who your friends are when adversity strikes...and I've been truly blessed and constantly amazed at the friendships I've forged over the past month since my diagnoses. For the first time in my life I'm allowing myself to ask for and accept help...to be vulnerable and honest about my situation, without expectations. I've come to admit that this is a journey I'm simply unwilling to allow myself to go through alone...

The journey continues!

The Bumpy Ride Continues...

I am now five weeks post-op and physically feeling pretty good. There is still some soreness, and restriction of movement on the side where the surgery was done and plenty of swelling...but at least all the bruising is gone. All in all I'm healing up fairly well. I'm becoming more accustomed to the scars, although I have to admit that my vanity still gets the best of me from time to time and tears do flow! I find myself daunted by the enormity of it all; doctor's appointments, procedures, terminologies, co-pays, test results, opinions/recommendations/statistics/decisions, waiting, wondering, researching...all compounded with trying to carry on some daily semblance of a normal life. I'm officially upgrading this from "a bumpy ride" to the " journey from hell"...a journey by the way, that I could never have imagined much less been prepared for. But, with all the uncertainty and forlornness I feel on a constant basis, I have also been amazed at my ability to allow myself to be the recipient of many great joys. Hope lives on in the little things...

My cat (Ella Fitzgerald) is still happy to see me when I come home - nothing has changed for HER!!! And if you know Ella - it's ALL about her! I have found wonderful people, complete strangers that have selflessly offered up their own personal journeys, support and knowledge about breast cancer, and ultimately about life in general. I am grateful everyday for my diagnoses, because I know I will be cured. I have a great job with good insurance and understanding supervisors and co-workers. I have more friends then I've ever allowed myself to have...friends that love me and stand firm as my extended family. I have a car that starts every morning...and that's saying something when you live in Iowa and it's -15 when you stick that key in the ignition!!! I have a boyfriend that hasn't run in terror with all of this!!! OK...well, at least not yet!!! I have a beautiful roof over my head, by bills are paid (at least for now) and there is food in the fridge. I've got a full tank of gas and a full supply of windshield washer fluid (thank you Walter)! I've gotta tell you, I've got it pretty good!

And then there is that whole four months of chemotherapy thing...




(You LOVE these cliff hangers!!!)

Two Weeks Post Surgery...

I've tried to start this post about a million times over the last couple of weeks...all to no avail. I've had such a hard time trying to consolidate two weeks of emotions, perceptions and change into words, that it has taken my breath away. I didn't think that being diagnosed with breast cancer would, or could, change me in so profound a way, that I would ultimately be at a loss for words...so I guess I'll move forward with the facts as I know them.

First and foremost...I will be fine! Twenty four hours after my surgery I received word that the lumpectomy results were positive...or negative, depending on what side of the diagnosis you were on. If you are the patient, it was positive (no more cancer)...if you are the doctor the results were "negative" for any further detection of cancer cells. The "margin" (tissue surrounding the tumor) came back clean and cancer free, as did the lymph node that was removed. So the cancer hasn't spread... (as there was none detected in the lymph node). All good news!

And now, we move into the next stage of my journey...

I have my first post-operative appointment with the "Nazi" surgeon (definition with next blog) who did the lumpectomy and axillary dissection (removal of a lymph node) tomorrow morning. The surgeon will refer me to an oncologist that will guide me down the next path of my journey...post operative treatment. From what I have been able to gather, I will be directed to have five weeks worth of radiation to kill any potential cancerous cells that may have surrounded the tumor (along with any healthy ones that surround it) that still exist. At the same time I will be put on hormone therapy (daily medication) to supress any of the hormones that apparently, my type of cancer feeds on.

I hope I know more once I meet with the oncologist. But right now...I'm thinking that radiation and hormone therapy may not be the road I want to go down. I've always considered cancer to be akin to a virus....it lives in you and thrives only when your immune system is weak, venerable or compromised. With that being said, why would I want to further deplete my immune system with radiation and hormone therapy if all the cancer has been removed and there is no evidence of it having spread???

Food for thought...

Breast Cancer 101

I don't know about all of you, but I really don't know a lot about cancer...only that it's a really scary thing we should completely freak out about if the doctor tells you that you have it! So, begrudgingly I've forced myself to do some research on the subject...I have to admit that I'm one of those (shallow) people who don't do research on a subject unless/until it effects me or someone I love. Quite honestly, I've done more research on water-color painting, making/selling jewelry, training horses and working on relationships than I have on any health issue I've ever had.

My friend Kim comes home from her doctor's office and goes online and knows more about her current condition, it's symptoms and causes than her doctor ever could have told her...all within an hour!!! I guess I'm just one of those people who would rather close my eyes, stick my head in the sand and wait for the outcome. Granted, this approach hasn't always served me very well, but I suppose it's my stubborn attempt to prove that in the end everything turns out the way it's supposed to...no matter how much obsessing I do on the subject!!!

With that being said, I've pulled my head out of the sand, opened my eyes and have actually done some research. So, with this post of my blog I'm going to share with you facts that I have to date, about my own breast cancer...'cause at this point it's all about me!!! You've chosen to take this journey with me so we all might as well learn something in the process.

I have Infiltrating Ductal Carcinoma. This is the kind of cancer that spreads, or can spread, to other parts of your body. The first place breast cancer usually spreads is to your lymph nodes, because the sentinel lymph node is the first lymph node into which a tumor drains. According to the tests that have been done so far, the cancer/tumor I have is low grade, and about a half an inch in diameter (think peanut size). It looks as though it was caught pretty early, which is a good thing. The tumor will be taken out surgically along with some of the tissue surrounding it in what is called a Lumpectomy. A Lumpectomy is considered to be a breast-conserving or breast-sparing surgery because unlike a mastectomy, only a portion of the breast is removed.

Now, because the cancer is the kind that spreads, the surgeon will also do what is called a Sentinel Node Biopsy. Remember the lymph node will be one of the first places this type of cancer will spread, so removing one to have tested will be imperative to my diagnosis. According to the surgeon, he will make a small incision in my arm pit and inject a blue dye that will highlight the lymph node making it easier to find. They will do it at the same time they do the Lumpectomy. Once the tissue has been removed they will be sent in for analysis and have numerous pathologies done on them. At this point it will be determined if the cancer has spread, how aggressive it is, and what protocol will be used to treat me from there.

I go in for surgery at 8:25am (who schedules these things??? 8:25...really?) Monday morning, January 4th and should be home, resting and downing lunch, coffee and pain killers by noon. If all goes well I should have the results from the tests that are done on the tumor and the lymph node, 24-48 hours after that.

So there you have it...Julie's Journey Through Breast Cancer 101. At this point I'm pretty optimistic about the outcome...pending the pathology reports, I know in the long run, no matter what happens, I will be alright. I am as determined as always, to live with minimal regrets, no drama, no looking back, and with God walking beside me. I look forward to moving past this with grace, dignity, a good attitude, and and all of you in tow.

Let's all collectively cross our fingers and hope for the best! I know I am...

Healthy As A Horse

I knew that cliffhanger would hook you!!! It's that morbid curiosity that always brings us back for more...admit it!!! It's like watching a bad train wreck - you know the outcome and you just can't help yourself but watch. Or the cheesiest daytime soap you turn back on ten years later and still recognize the characters...and still find yourself asking why you watch this stuff! Its the stuff of bad voyeurism!

And with that being said, welcome to my blog.

I'm glad you are here and willing to share this journey with me. Something tells me you'd better grab hold...'cause it going to be a bumpy ride! And even if its not, (which I pray it won't be) I promise to make it funny, enlightening and honest. If nothing else, I'll get a little practice at writing something other than concise business correspondence, mushy emails to my S.O., heartfelt birthday cards! In the end, I hope this blog will motivate you to urge the women in your life to be proactive and be tested at a much younger age than I did!

So here we go...(and give me a break 'cause I'm "winging" this entire journey)

The mammogram that precipitated this journey is the first I've ever had and did it as part of the complete physical I had a month ago (BTW...thank you WFF). When I had my initial mammogram the technician warned me that they might call me back for more images because they had nothing to compare my originals to. No big deal...all the other tests proved that I'm as healthy as a horse! So, when they called and wanted more images of my left booby, I wasn't surprised. It was when they sent the doctor in after she had seen the second mammogram and had ordered and viewed the images from the ultrasound that the red flags went up. (And any of you that know me know that my flags aren't red unless they have been yellow, peach, orange, and every hue of pink in the process).

The doctor explained that there were two masses, and they were more concerned with the one that pulled away when being monogrammed, rather than the one that acted as a good mass, and pulled forward. She wanted to schedule a biopsy just to be sure. OK...so no big deal. A couple of needles full of breast tissue, a little discomfort, a little bruising, a couple of nights sleeping on my right side, and I'm good to go! I'm good at rolling with the punches and being flexible...so when they scheduled the biopsy for the next morning I jumped at the chance to get this "drama" over and done with.

My biopsy was scheduled for Christmas Eve 2009 at 8:45am...

How Quickly Things Change...

I started this blog to give myself something to do...a hobby of sorts.

I've found myself at 48 years old happier, healthier, and more content than I've ever been...and ironically with more time on my hands then I know what to do with! I'm busy with an 8-5'er that I love, an intimate and loving relationship with wonderful man, a spoiled (albeit obese) cat, friends I love and know I couldn't live/grow without, and a "castle" I adore. I'm my own best friend and my biggest fan...and I love to write.

But seldom do...I have a good life but not particularly worth writing about. The ins and outs of my daily life haven't seems significant enough to actually "publish" or even print...let alone share with anyone, outside of an occasional email or well scripted birthday card!!! You know what I mean...who wants to hear about the paper cut I got or how my cat puked on the carpet (OK, she doesn't do that, I'm just trying to make a point). But really...the most exiting thing to happen to me today was locking myself out of my car while scraping ice off the windshield while it warmed up. REALLY...how many people want to read about THAT??? Well as happenstance would have it...I've got something to write about now.

On December 28th, 2009 I was diagnosed with breast cancer.