It's one thing to know that your hair is going to fall out...and it's quite another to actually stand by and watch it happen. As predicted my hair started falling out last week and in some sort of Pollyanna-esc attempt at staying off the inevitable, I went on Friday and got a sassy little short cut...which I love! But now it's all a moot point because my bathroom is covered with my hair. It's in the sink, and swirling down the shower drain, and covering my bathroom floor. I wanted my cute new hair cut for a week or two, I didn't want another reminder to catapult me right back into the surreal reality that is cancer.
You can prepare yourself all you want, and laugh about shaving your head, and how easy it will be to throw a wig on every morning and put as positive a spin on it as you want. But when it starts to fall, in big hand fulls, literally brush fulls that leave empty patches the size of a silver dollars all over your head it's absolutely devastating. And frighting...and yet another harsh reminder of what my body is going through.
I'm not ready yet!!! I don't want to be bald...I don't want this fight. I tired of being positive and strong and always putting a "you go girl" spin on this. I'm tired, and I'm sick and feel as if I'm losing myself in the process...and I don't like it. I'm trying to learn whatever lesson there is here, with every ounce of my being. But it's hard, and scary...I don't want to know this woman that stares back at me in the mirror with dread in her eyes and her fight fading.
Cancer sucks.
Oh Julie. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI hear you saying that you feel like you're losing yourself. Right now you're "cancer patient Julie." But as soon as you kick cancer's ass...I have no doubt in my mind that "regular Julie" will be right back, front and center. She's not lost forever...she's just deeper inside while you take care of business.
I love you.
Have I ever told you, that you are like this little angel that sits on my shoulder...reassuring me when I least expect it?
ReplyDeleteI love you girl!